JOKES
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Lessons in Life
Lesson number one
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and
asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long". The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the
story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high.
Lesson number two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that
tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why
don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
HUSBAND'S SEVERE DISEASE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the
doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each
morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't discuss your problems with him; as
this could further his stress. Don't burden him with chores, it will only make his
stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and
giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting
event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" She
replied; " You're going to die!"
Subject: Company Policy
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put
stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the
banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a
while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result --- all the apes are sprayed with
cold water. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will
try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace
it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that
if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the
original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is
attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again,
replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is
attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest
ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed
with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.
Why not? Because that's the way it's always been around here. **And that's how company
policy begins...**
A man decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior
experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the man begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally,giving up his tentative grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw
himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup and he is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is battered against the
ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great
fortune................the Wal-Mart manager sees him and shuts the horse off.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
-Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
-Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
-In dog years, I'm dead.
-Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need
should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
-Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read.
-To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
-A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying
down.
-Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend
their lives.
-I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves
-No animal should ever jump up on the living room furniture unless absolutely certain that
he can hold his own in the conversation.
-Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store
with the most amazing haul
-- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth
-I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult My dog is
worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog
money.
-If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to
heaven, and very, very few persons
-You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets Don't accept
your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
-Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the
idea.
-In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that
will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
-Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond
memories
-There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face When a man's best
friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
-Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the
dog did it
-Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail
-No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation as the dog does
-A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself
-Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
-The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his
leader. He will be yours, faithful and true,to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to
him to be worthy of such devotion
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the
principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
-I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am
convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the
first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest. Their insight may
surprise you. Better to be safe than......Punch a fifth grader. Strike while
the......Bug is close. It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of......termites. You can lead a horse to water
but......how? Don't bite the hand that......looks dirty. No news
is......impossible. A miss is as good as a......Mr. You can't teach an old dog
new......math. If you lie down with dogs,you'll......stink in the morning. Love all,
trust......me. The pen is mightier than the......pig. An idle mind is......the best way to
relax. Where there's smokethere's......pollution. Happy the bride who.....gets all the
presents. A penny saved is......not much. Two's company, three's......the
Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded. if at first you don't
succeed......get new batteries. You get out of something what you......see pictured
on the box.
Some little know facts...
1. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
2. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
3. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
4. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
5. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar
surrendered after 38 minutes.
6. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
7. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle
name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
8. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
9. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
10. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
11. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
12. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
13. Marilyn Monroe had six toes (not that anybody really noticed).
14. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
15. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
16. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
17. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter
in the English alphabet.
18. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
19. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the
word you want.
20. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of
the keyboard.
21. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end
because of the rate of reproduction.
22. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right
to left.
23. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
24. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad
served in first-class.
25. China has more English speakers than the United States.
26. A dentist invented the electric chair.
27. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a
size 108.7 acres.
28. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
29. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the
world.
30. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
31. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a
distinct part of DNA.
32. No president of the United States was an only child.
33. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be
straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other
emergencies.
34. The person who sent you this is a genius.
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census
taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an
appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for
such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks,
and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one
dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know
the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and
as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased,
the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the
whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when
he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your real father a big hug."